i have not written in here for awhile. i used to only write in here when i was drugged out or depressed, and felt that since right now i am 1) drugged out and 2) a little depressed (but not too much), i should write again.

adderall is an interesting drug. different types of it give different highs, but one that i have been told is the best (and one that i have experienced to be the best) is the 20 mg extended release capsules. clark is prescribed them, and gave me some tonight. clark is a good guy. sometimes he has let people down in the past, or lied to get around situations he has many issues (as we all do), but despite them, i can't help but feel for him. he reminds me a lot of my brother paul. what can you do for someone who is suffering from severe emotional disorders? only be there for them i guess. anyway, i am already bored with writing these things.

the most interesting thing about snorting these adderall (i snorted 30 mg earlier, and just snorted 60. it is not the most i have done, but somewhat close), is the difference of feeling it gives me. when i say this, i mean one minute i will be thinking "this feels so amazing! this is the best i have ever felt! i can't believe i am focused so much on one thing, and aside from that, have such an amazing body high!" after this i will think "holy cow, i just felt so good, and now i am not feeling that way, i am starting to feel pretty lousy, i want that feeling i just had back!" it switches back and forth. i have noticed with msot drugs, especially uppers, that it gives this contradst of feeling. that you can simultaneously feel great and bad at once. i think a lot of it has to do with extremes. for example, i go to the extreme of feeling the best i have ever felt (or so i think it to be). in this period of feeling good, i forget about feeling bad, and all the times i have felt bad. i only know what i am feeling, which is good. so when i begin to not feel the way, my brain and body start to panic, and begin to say "hold on! don't go, please stay!"

i have found life to be this way. often times, i am only able to relate with people who feel the same way as me. right now i relate to a lot of people who suffer from mental illnesses and drug problems, because i myself have suffered from these things. when somebody tells me about being happy or not having to do with substance abuse, i can logically understand why, but i can't relate and feel connected to them. i think "they just don't get it." it is the same when i am feeling happy, i can't remember what it felt like to be sad, and so thus limits my ability to relate to people who are sad.

on another subject, i think have decided that i want to make music for the rest of my life. maybe not as a profession (though i would not mind it), but definately as a huge part of my life. i have been asking the question "if you lived in a forest alone for the rest of your life, would you still play music?" and i have found that most people that say yes genuinely really love and have a deep passion for music. i would play music for the rest of my life even if nobody ever heard the songs i wrote. the feeling i get when i play is like no other i can attain in this life. i wish that i could know if the people i listen to (music wise) feel the same. that they would play music no matter what, even if no one ever heard. i think i would enjoy their music more if i knew that, but i also think with a lot of music you can tell if it is pure and genuine. that is the music i wish to make, and the music i want to surround myself with, because with music like that, there is no pretense or motive. people are just playing what they feel represents them the most. and really that is all you can ask for. i guess this would bring up the debate of how pop singers are really "pop singers" and doing what only they know how to do. are they making fake music, or do they just not know any better?

man, i can really tell i am on adderall. when is the last time i ever wrote this much? i feel as if a million ideas are running through my head and i need to get them all out. it is not bad feeling this, like i am thinking "i want it to stop!" though at times it can be annoying.

i really think i would benefit being prescribed adderral for my daily life. there are so many things i wish to accomplish but can't, since i am unmotivated and indecisive. i think adderall could really help, at least for awhile.

i really wish i had my guitar.

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pioneer day - 2006-07-25
- - 2006-02-15
- - 2005-12-31
disconnected - 2005-12-11
fuck the world - 2005-12-05
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